Bullying Begins at Home
Posted: September 4th, 2011 by Chick Moorman & Thomas Haller
“Because I said so. That’s why!”
“If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Do you want a spanking?”
“You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
“What were you possibly thinking?”
“Get over here. Now!”
“Do you want your mouth washed out with soap?”
“Just try it, buddy.”
“Do what I said or else!”
“I told you to respect me! Now you’re going to get it.”
Did you hear any of these statements as you were growing up? If so, your parents engaged in bullying behavior. You were bullied. Have you heard yourself say any of them recently? If so, you were using bullying tactics. Your children are being bullied.
Yes, there is a big bully problem in schools, neighborhoods, and offices around the world today. Much of it is learned behavior, behavior learned in the home. And while that overt bullying may get you what you want in the present moment, it may also create some unattractive outcomes in the future.
Bullying children with language like the examples above helps them develop beliefs about the way the world works. They are learning some important lessons from you that can indeed stick with them their entire lives. You are teaching and they are learning:
- If you are bigger than someone it is OK to hit them.
- Intimidation is a tactic that works.
- Power over is more important than power with.
- Might makes right.
- Ordering people around is acceptable and useful.
- Shaming others is a valuable control technique.
- Anger and volume increase the odds that you’ll get what you want.
- Power is to be used to dominate others.
- If you have enough power nobody can do anything about it.
- Use of aggressive language and aggressive acts make you a powerful person.
Are those the lessons you want your children to learn? If not, it could be time to add more tools to your parenting tool kit. Take a parenting class. Read a parenting book. Form a parenting support group. Get counseling. Yes, counseling often helps bullies let go of that destructive stance.
Remember, if the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to look at everything as if it were a nail. It might just be time to view your children as much more than a misguided nail.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
Can you suggest a fee things to say to put in our \\" tool boxes\\"…I have three small children and have limited time and resources to read a parenting book or take a class right now. Thank you
Stacie
6 Sep 11 at 3:30 am
My daughter is 10 she went to a school last year, for two years there they had a 0 tolerance for bullying. Well, it started in 3rd grade. I told her to let her teacher know, she did and the teacher more less blowed it off everyday she came home from school crying saying people where making fun of her hair, or saying things about her weight. I went to the school addressed my concerns to the teacher and she said, “I wouldn’t let any kid bully any child in this classroom.”….well 2 weeks went by and my daughter came home and said that now that it was addressed in the class room it was happening on the play ground. I went back to the school, the teacher said that my daughter gave back just as much as she was getting…I said only because I told her to stick up for herself but that didnt get anyone to stop the situation. I then went to the principal he said he would talk to these children that where doing this. Then I find out that some of the bully’s are in my older daughters class that is one grade higher. Well last year I had surgery, I was in and out of the hospital from Sept.29th to Jan.17th had 7 surgeries missed all the holidays and birthdays. During that process, my daughter got so bullied, no one stuck up for her, and I couldnt do anything because I was in the hospital called the schools to voice my concerns again. They where NOT doing anything to stop the bullying. This year we moved all the kids to a new school that is closer to home, things are going so much better. But, my daughter found out that one of the people that bullied her last year is moving out here and may be going to her school. My daughter has tried to commit suicide, I caught her putting a rope over her bedroom door after one of the hardest bullying days. She sees a therapist. But there has to be some kind of solution to all of this going on at the schools, kids that are being suspended and getting to stay at home when they get in trouble, that’s not a punishment, that is a vacation to them because they get to do what ever at home because most of the kids parents work. I tell my daughter that kids that bully at home, have issues at home, either they are bullied at home, or their parents where bullies and it is just rubbing off on their kids. I cant go to the school and get a hold of these kids myself or I would end up in jail. I did however, get on the school bus, that some of the same bullies ride, and I let them have it, she was getting off the bus crying, with hand prints on her, or places from being poked with a pencil, or her hair was pulled. I couldnt take it anymore, I also went to two of the kids home and talked to their parents. Do you think that helped NO! Where I’m from they have a school for these kids that cause trouble its an alternative school, the kid gets in trouble they still go to their school, but they don’t get to be with the rest of their piers, nor do they have any activities that the rest have like field trips,band,movies,they don’t even get to eat lunch with the rest of the kids, they go get their lunch and go back to that room. They are in a cubical, away from even the other kids that are in that room. I feel like teachers do whatever to get through the days fast and ignore the situations that are going on in the school systems. I’m not saying my daughter is perfect but to be picked on because your weight, your curly hair, or they way someone speaks is just hideous. And for teachers to set back and not address it and then wait till the child that is being bullied sticks up for herself to say something and then she is the one to get in trouble is just wrong. The old school she went to is known for being a “snob” school or a “do gooder” school. Most of the kids there think they are better than the other child. Preppy kids I guess you can say. If your name isnt a certain name or if you dont look rich or your not skinny and act like them then you get picked on. Im just so frustrated. What if this bully child moves to our school district and ends up going to our school? What can the schools do?
Concerned parent
20 Oct 11 at 6:38 am
Parents need to be careful of how they treat their children. Very harsh angry discipline will turn their kids away. Children need to also respect their parents by obeying them. Too many kids have no respect for each other, let alone their parents. There are too many broken families and families don’t spend enough time together. They are too busy with other activities to spend time together just as a family.
Janelle
26 Nov 11 at 5:13 pm