The word no is a mysterious word. The mere utterance of this tiny word can produce great anger or deep sadness. It is said often, and used as a powerful parenting tool. Children hear this word early in their lives. It is spoken to them frequently.  “No, don’t touch that.” “No, you can’t have that.” “No, the stove is hot.” “No, get off the steps.” Sometimes it stands alone as a simple command, “No!” One would think that after hearing the word no so much, children would be accustomed to it. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Many children struggle with being told “No.” They throw tantrums when they hear it, and battle endlessly to change it.

We can help our children by teaching them that the word no is the same as the word yes. It does not hold a negative value or a positive one. We can help them understand that the word no provides valuable information, and that becoming angry or sad is not necessary. Our role is to help them examine the information hidden in the word. No is a signal that holds a message for the hearer, a message about timing. When someone says no to you, it means that you have asked at the wrong time.

The toddler is told “No” as she reaches up to touch the hot stove because of safety. When she is older she will certainly have the opportunity to use the stove and be taught how to do so safely. The age of two is not the time for such instruction.

The five-year-old who asks mom for a cookie a few minutes before dinner gets the response of no, not because he can never have a cookie, but because this is not the right time for a cookie.

The adolescent who asks to play on the computer before completing her homework is told “No” because of the timing of her request. She can play on the computer when her homework is completed.

The teenager who asks to use the car shortly after muttering a few choice expletives in an argument with mom is told “No.” This is not because she can never use the car, but because after being cussed at, a parent doesn’t feel like granting that type of request. The request itself is not the issue, it’s the teen’s timing that is off.

Help children learn to accept hearing the word no. Teach them that they do not have to hear the word no as a rejection. They don’t have to take it as a personal attack. They don’t have to see themselves as being wrong for asking. They don’t have to become angry when they hear it or build resentment when they keep hearing it. They don’t have to avoid making requests out of fear of hearing it. They simply need to learn that the word no is a signal to reevaluate and to pick a different time to ask. Teach them to keep adjusting and keep asking, even when they keep hearing no.

Thomas Haller