I recently had an interesting conversation with two parents as they discussed holding their son back for an additional year of kindergarten. I questioned their decision to have their son repeat kindergarten, even though the teacher strongly recommends he be placed in first grade. After several minutes of dodging the question and stammering, the dad interjected, “I played college football and I know that the extra year to develop will help him on the field in high school. We think it’s better he do that now.”

These two parents are clearly struggling to set their own needs aside when child rearing. I see this type of attitude in parents time and time again. After twenty years of working as a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I have given a name to this parenting approach. I call it “Ego Parenting.” When an adult’s personal wants and needs stay in the forefront, and the child’s needs become secondary, ego has influenced the parenting.  This couple is a prime example.

I am reminded of the first case of “Ego Parenting” I encountered, almost twenty years ago. The young couple was referred to me because of aggressive behavior in both their children. Maintaining the activities they used to do prior to having kids seemed more important than what was best for their kids now. Angela and Michael, as I refer to them now, worked hard all week creating the resources to provide for their two children, ages 7 and 4. Every weekend, (not just once in a while) they treated themselves to Friday and Saturday night out on the town. They would hire a  babysitter to take care of the children for the evening. On Friday night, Angela and Michael would go out to dinner together and then to the bar, returning home in the early morning hours. On Saturday, Michael would head to the bar with his guy friends from college. Angela would do the same with her girlfriends. Again, they both returned home late. Even though the children woke up at the regular morning time, the parents were too tired. They decided to provide the children with TV’s and DVD players in their bedrooms. After several hours of morning videos for the children, Michael and Angela would emerge from their room.

Now, I’m all for parents spending time together to nurture their marriage. I even recommend that couples set up a date night and go out as they once did. But when the pattern continues every weekend, and a television is used as a babysitter, ego has influenced the parenting.

The ego-driven parent sees the role of parenting as one of controller, limiter, ruler and enforcer. The parents who step forth with punishment, and use shame and ridicule as their means of raising children, are unskilled, unprepared, and parenting out of ego. Ego parents are not ready to change their own behavior and become the teacher and model in their child’s life. They simply want their children to behave. When a child behaves in a manner that is seen as inappropriate, the ego parent doesn’t look at herself first and ask, “What role am I playing in my child acting this way?” She quickly places blame on the child and finds fault outside herself.

An adult who has let go of ego is one who regards parenting as a sacred and important role. The success these adults create at home is as important to them as the success they achieve in other areas of their life. Family is placed first. A commitment to being “the best parent I can possibly be” is made. With ego removed from their parenting, they take the necessary steps to change their life to meet the needs of their children. They are ready to uplift, encourage, and inspire children to become responsible, caring, confident people.  They will do so in a way that is filled with gentleness, love, and an open heart.

Have you let go of your ego in your parenting? Are you a committed parent? Do you place family first? Is your success at home as important as your success elsewhere in your life? Do you make decisions that are in your child’s best interest, or is convenience your focus? Are you attending parenting workshops and reading parenting books? Are you making the necessary changes in your life so that your children come first? Are you challenging yourself to be the best parent you can possibly be?

Thomas Haller