I recently overheard a mother instructing her young child to “use the magic word.” My ears perked up at the instruction. I listened closely as the mother continued her direction, “I won’t give you a piece of gum unless you say please.” The child immediately replied, “Pleeeeease, can I have a piece of gum?” The addition of please worked. Mom promptly reached in her purse and presented gum to the child, like magic.

Wow, what an incredible lesson. Many parents use the magic word instruction as a way to teach children to be polite. I agree that children need to be taught how to use “please” and “thank you,” as well as table manners, how to interrupt, and even to hold open a door for another person. These are all valuable lessons in social interaction and politeness.

But using the concept of a magic word has a hidden message that teaches a dangerous lesson. Is it true that saying please automatically or magically produces the desired result for the one using it? No. But when we position it as such we suggest that one must comply with the request simply because the word please was used.

Well, guess what? Child abductors use the magic word too. They can be extremely polite until they achieve their prime objective.

Drop the entire concept of the magic word from your parent talk. Instead, say to your children, “It is more polite to use the word please when asking for something you want. There is no guarantee that saying please will get you what you want. Sometimes the answer might be yes and sometime no. But people are more open to responding kindly when they hear words like please and thank you. Can you state your question again using the word please and see what happens?”

As you continue to teach your children the use of please in this way, they will learn that they, too, can say, “No, thank you” to a request that is accompanied by a please. The “magic” of the word is removed and the decision to comply remains with the one who is being asked. This is a necessary strength our children need to have and use appropriately.

Please let go of the concept of the magic word.

Thomas Haller