It took me forty-eight years to fulfill my father’s dream of fishing in northern Canada with his sons. I remember hearing him say, “I want to go north and fish on a lake where the only access is by plane. I want to see the northern lights with my own eyes. I want to sit with my sons and share my life experiences with them.” Thirteen years ago we planned the first trip north, but we never took that trip. Dad died one month prior to his dream coming true.

My younger brother, Michael, and I set the trip aside and figured it was not worth taking if dad couldn’t be there too. After all, it was his dream, not ours. In fact, I didn’t really like fishing. I agreed to go on the first trip because my dad wanted to do it. I figured I would, at the very least, come away with a few nuggets of wisdom that I could pass on to my sons later.

Enter my sister’s husband, Marty, an avid fisherman who spent many an early morning bobbing in a boat on Lake Michigan with my dad. He waited patiently a few years after my dad’s death and then began to encourage us to take the trip up across the border anyway. He researched several locations. He waited a little longer. He joined a friend’s group and experienced their fishing adventure. He shared his experience and waited some more.

Thirteen years passed and his son grew up and his daughters got married. What was once four men in my family became eight. Marty encouraged and pleaded once more. This time, Michael and I agreed. We headed north to Canada along with the other six men in our family.

I am currently sitting in the Milwaukee airport waiting for the final flight to return home to my family after a long week in northern Canada. I’m reading over the notes I wrote on a small pad of paper every evening by the glow of a tiny flashlight.

After a long day of fishing, I would sit on a rocky bluff overlooking the lake thirty feet below and reflect on the day gone by. I fished with Marty who talked about my dad being the patriarch of the family. I fished with Michael who talked about being a dad and raising two sons of his own. I fished with my nephew’s father-in-law who talked about welcoming a new group of men into his family. I fished with my niece’s new husband who talked about joining our family and having brothers for the first time. I fished with my nephew who talked about being a newlywed. I fished during the day with the men of my family, but I didn’t fish with my dad.

Instead, I sat with my dad every night on the rocky bluff and heard him ask, “What did you learn from those with whom you fished?” Below are just a few of the lessons I learned and how I will apply them to my life as I head home.

1. The one with more fishing knowledge and skill catches more fish. Marty knew the most about fishing and clearly caught the most fish for the week. I learned that having a knowledge base and keeping it current is important to one’s level of success. Keeping your parenting knowledge and skill current is important to your parenting success. New information about brain development and behavior becomes available every year. Increase your parenting knowledge regularly.
2. Prepare the fishing rod before casting the lure into the water. I watched a huge Northern Pike follow my lure to the side of the boat, promptly bite it clean off, and swim away. My brother smiled and gently said, “You need to have a steal leader on your line when you fish for Northern. Pull your rod up and I’ll show you how to prepare your line appropriately.” I learned that preparation matters. Prepare your children for the school day the night before by laying out clothes and fixing lunches. Prepare them by discussing the content in a movie or outlining the upcoming field trip. It doesn’t matter what it is, by preparing for it the best you can, you will increase your parenting success and your child’s success too.
3. Two in the boat produces greater results. When my nephew hooked the forty-two inch Northern Pike, his fishing partner with the net helped him bring it into the boat. Without the extra help from his partner he may not have landed the biggest fish for the week. I learned that having a partner in parenting will increase one’s odds of being more successful in raising responsible children. Being in the same parenting boat or on the same parenting page helps to provide consistency and stability for your children and produces better results.
4. Helpers always come. A malfunctioning motor resulted in a stranded pair in an unknown location. After dinner we all headed out in different directions to find our stranded comrades. They knew we would come and they stayed put until help arrived. They periodically called out for help to guide the search party. They were prepared to signal for help with a flare if nightfall came before the rescue party. I learned that I don’t have to have all the answers when it comes to parenting as long as I’m willing to continue to ask for help when I feel stuck, and accept the advice of others. I encourage you to do the same.
5. Fishing with the best improves your skill too. I caught the most fish the day I fished with Marty, the most seasoned fisherman in the group. He demonstrated techniques and explained reasons for his actions. He modeled how to be a better fisherman. I learned by watching. Your children are learning by watching you. You are constantly under the ever-seeing eyes of your children. You teach them by how you live your life. Be mindful of their view, they are watching your every move.
6. The fishing stories carry meaning. Every evening when we gathered for the daily fish fry, everyone had a tale to tell. The stories provided insights into the location of fish, the type of bait to use or not use, and the dangerous water conditions. It helped us all better prepare for the following day. I learned that reviewing the day with children helps them learn from their mistakes and see how their choices produce effects. Debriefing enables children to better prepare for what is to come. Talking about the day prepares one for tomorrow.
7. This fishing trip was never about the fishing. It was always about the people. Dad wanted us to fish with him, not necessarily to fish, but rather just to be together. Fishing wasn’t his goal or the main purpose of his dream. Fishing was only the water he wanted to splash around in. Creating a way to connect was the real purpose for his fishing adventure. What I learned was that being with your family in a boat, at the dinner table, or on the sidelines of a child’s sporting event matters most. People are always more important than things, rules, regulations and procedures. Be with your children and enjoy their company.

Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t go up north fishing sooner and I’m glad you waited to meet me there. Marty, thank you for your persistence. My fishing brothers, I look forward to next year and what you’ll have to teach me next.

Thomas Haller