Wilson Mathews has two young sons, age five and seven. Recently, with the boys helping, he constructed a sandbox for the back yard. Before any sand-play took place in the newly constructed area, Mr. Mathews laid out some structure, which he calls healthy limits.

“My main job as a parent is to keep you safe and healthy,” he explained. “So the sandbox needs some healthy limits. Sand must remain below the knees. If sand goes above the knees, it can get in your eyes. That is dangerous and unhealthy.”

“Here is the deal,” he went on. “If you choose to keep sand below the knees you are deciding to continue to have the opportunity to play in the sandbox. If you choose to use sand above the knees, you are choosing to lose the opportunity to play in the sandbox for two weeks. You get to decide if you continue to play in the sandbox or not. You will show me what you choose by what you decide to do with sand.”

After explaining the healthy limit, Mr. Mathews had the boys repeat the choices they had so he knew that they understood. They demonstrated their understanding verbally to their father’s satisfaction and the sand play began.

After fifteen minutes of healthy sand play, Mr. Mathews saw sand fly in the air from one boy to the other. Before he could respond, sand flew in the opposite direction. Both sand launchings were well above the knees. Mr. Mathews went immediately to the area of violated healthy limits. “I see you boys are choosing to play in other areas for the next two weeks,” he said. “When you choose to throw sand, you choose to use different opportunities. You will have another opportunity with the sandbox in a couple of weeks.”

Mr. Mathews’ handling of the new sandbox situation was done with love and an open heart. He did much of what fits our mental models of effective and skilled parenting. Yet, he made one mistake in our opinion. Can you find it?

The Answer

Positives abound.

1. He built and sandbox instead of buying one.
2. His boys helped him build it.
3. He structured the healthy limits before the play began.
4. He gave reasons for the healthy limits.
5. He used the words, choose, decide, and pick to structure the outcomes.
6. He set it up so his boys could be the cause of whether or not they continued to use the sandbox.
7. He checked for understanding by having his children repeat the choices and possible outcomes.
8. He monitored their play.
9. When he noticed sand above the knees he went immediately to the area. He did not yell, warn, threaten, or give one more chance. He took action right away.
10. His response of removing the boys from the area because of their choices was consistent with what he had announced earlier.
11. He did not make his boys wrong or bad. He just made them not have the sand box opportunity for two weeks.
12. His actions came from love and caring.
13. He helped create a culture of accountability in his home.
14. He helped his boys understand the nature of cause and effect and how their choices produce outcomes.
15. He cared enough to follow through.

Looks pretty good, doesn’t it? Did you find the one mistake? In our opinion, the consequence is too severe. Two weeks without the sandbox is too long for young children. You can’t learn to play appropriately in the sand box if you are not in it. A consequence does not need to be severe. It is not the severity of a consequence that has the impact. It is the certainty. Consequences only need to be certain.

An hour or two of being without the sandbox is enough. Then give a second opportunity. Continue to monitor and follow through as needed.

Remember, holding children accountable with reasonable consequences is one of the best ways you can demonstrate your love for them.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller.