My nephew’s recent wedding offered my family a mini-vacation to central Wisconsin and more than a glimpse at parenting around the pool.  We split our eleven-hour car ride with an overnight stay on the way to the wedding as well as another one on the way home. This gave us all the chance to enjoy the pools at three different hotels. It also gave me an opportunity to view three different approaches to poolside parenting.

Approach #1 – The Yeller

I heard this parent and recognized her parenting style as she was coming down the hall. Her voice was loud and her tone sharp. She barked one order after another, “Stop running! Don’t push your brother! Get back here! Don’t go in there until I’m ready!” As each demand was ignored, her volume increased. The children captured everyone’s attention as they entered the pool area pushing, running and screaming. The mother entered the pool area a minute behind the children, demanding the same degree of attention with her yelling. “Put that down! Where is your towel? Stop splashing your sister! Get off your brother’s back! Leave her alone!”

After about fifteen minutes of constant yelling and barking orders, my wife and kids decided to leave the pool area for a quiet round of miniature golf outside. I joined them.

Approach #2 – The Threatener

Entering with a cell phone close to her ear and attempting to converse with her children at the same time, the threatener was in stark contrast to the yeller. The threatener was quiet in her delivery. She said in a calm voice, “If you don’t stop running you’ll have to leave the pool area,” or “You’re going to have to get out of the pool if you don’t stop dunking your brother.” Her words, however, had absolutely no affect on her children’s behavior. The children ignored her and continued the same behaviors while she continued her behaviors of talking on the cell phone and periodically threatening her children. When this parent reached a new plateau of frustration, she attempted to increase her leverage by threatening to take away their video game and television privileges for later. This resulted in more whining by the youngest and a whispered disclaimer from the oldest, “She’ll never do it.” At one point she even threatened to get their father involved, who by the way, never materialized.

The threats continued as the day progressed. At one point the mom threatened to leave her children in the pool if they didn’t get out immediately. To my dismay and horror she did leave the pool area for about two minutes, only to return and start the process all over again. Following her third threat to leave them at the hotel by themselves if they didn’t obey, I was the one who chose to leave the scene.

Approach #3 – The Sharer

This mom and her two children entered the pool area together and took up roost at a table next to me. I’m glad she picked an adjacent spot because she talked softly and directly to her children. I listened carefully to everything she said as she reviewed the pool rules on the wall, talked about the balance of safety and fun, and the respect for others in the pool. Before entering the water the three discussed what toys they wanted to play with and the amount of time they wanted to swim. They jointly agreed on the time they would leave the pool area and then all three jumped in.

I watched in awe as this mom redirected her children’s behavior, asking them to make a different choice, encouraging them to think through their options before deciding, and asking each if they could come up with another way to play their water games so as not to disrupt those nearby. The family played together, splashed, swam and appeared to enjoy each other. I left before they exited the pool area, but I suspect their departure was just as smooth and enjoyable as their swim.

Now that I’ve had a chance to look back on the three different approaches to poolside parenting, I must admit that I too have struggled with my approach to pool etiquette and behavior. I hope that the next time I have an opportunity to take a vacation with my kids, I can be the parent who shares in my children’s experience rather than one who attempts to manipulate and control them throughout the process.

Please share your poolside parenting observations.

Thomas Haller